Love is a Mysterious Thing
by A Field of Starlight
Summary: A collection of oneshots involving various pairings, mainstream or crack.


Author's Note: I was... well, derping around on Wikipedia... and I came across an article entitled this: "AUSCANNZUKUS".

... Of course, my first thought is "CRACK PAIRING! :D"...

Of course...

Sigh.

Apparently, though, "**AUSCANNZUKUS** is a naval Command, Control, Communications and Computers (C4) interoperability organization involving the Anglosphere nations of Australia, Canada, New Zealand, the United Kingdom, and the United States. The acronym is also used as security caveat in the UKUSA Community, where it is also known as "**Five Eyes**"." (From Wikipedia)

Kinda fails as an acronym, in my opinion...

Also, I assign New Zealand the gender of male, because it's HARD to remain gender-ambiguous while writing a narrative! HARD, I tell you!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Hetalia. Why I put this here every story, I don't know... It's kinda obvious I don't own Hetalia...

This chapter is from England's point of view. Also, there is kissing. And twincest kissing. And veiled sexual references. In my defense, it IS a pairing fic... Even if it's a crack pairing.

* * *

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my boys. I really do.

They're just... Ah, how to put it nicely...

THEY'RE BLOODY INSANE!

Oh, excuse me. I've abused the caps lock key. I feel like a hypocrite now for telling America not to do so...

Wait... what... AMERICA! GO AWAY! STOP READING OVER MY SHOULDER, I'M TRYING TO WRITE THE BLOODY INTRODUCTION-

Ah, I'm doing it again. Curse the bloody American and his bloody contagious mannerisms... Next thing you know, I'll be eating hamburgers and laughing obnoxiously! Oh, where did I go wrong with the poor boy? His twin didn't turn out like that!

... Never mind, I take that back. Canada just destroyed my living room by trying to play hockey indoors. I blame France. At least Australia and New Zealand turned out-

Again, never mind. New Zealand has turned the dining room into a sheep pen, and Australia is wrangling a crocodile in the study... How he found a crocodile in the UK is beyond me...

But I still love them.

I just... Ah, you know what? Let's just get on with the story.

* * *

"Hey, Iggy!"

I turned around, annoyed. "America, how many times have I told you not to call me that?"

"But it's fun! And Japan said-"

"I don't care what Japan said! Just because my name in Japanese happens to sound slightly like the name "Iggy" does not mean you have to call me that all the time!"

"Hey, it's better than being called bunny."

"What?"

"You know. USA. Usa. Usa-chan. Bunny."

"..."

America smiled. "Isn't Japan great?"

I sighed. "Why does this not surprise me...?"

"So anyways! Me'n Mattie wanna ask you a question!"

"Matthew and I want to ask you a question," I automatically corrected. "What question?"

"So, you know how tomorrow is the world conference? And everyone has to come, including Australia and New Zealand? Well, I was thinking, you know how it's being held in your country? Could you arrange for... well, you know!"

I felt my eye twitch. "I certainly do _not_ know. Please, _enlighten_ me."

Ah, the joys of sarcasm.

America fidgeted. "Well... you know... the... thingy-thing. You know!"

"What _"thingy-thing"_, America?"

"You know... the thingy-thing that... you know... France..."

_Oh. THAT'S what he's going on about..._ I sighed. "America, a world meeting is hardly the time and place to-"

America cut me off rudely. "But dude! We never get to see each other! At least arrange it so that me and Mattie are right next to Aussie and NZ!"

He was giving me those irresistible puppy dog eyes again. Curses. He knows I can't deny him anything when he does that! "... Fine. I'll see what I can do."

Jubilant, America jumped on me and enveloped me in a crushing hug. "THANK YOU SO MUCH IGGY~!"

"Get... off... git..." I said, gasping for air. That boy doesn't know his own strength!

Well, I suppose some things never change...

* * *

"Dude! Iggy!"

"Yes, America?" I said, turning to find him coming toward me, dragging along a somewhat reluctant Canada. I don't know why that boy is so shy in public. At home, he's certainly more than confident.

"This is awesome!"

"And what, exactly, are you referring to?"

"THE FACT THAT YOU GOT US INTERCONNECTED ROOMS!" America dragged me into the North Americans' room and gestured about wildly.

"... 'Us'...? Who-"

"Heya, England!"

I should have known.

Coming through the door between the North American and Oceanic rooms were Australia and New Zealand. The lighter-haired one immediately ran over to Kumajirou, and started introducing his pet sheep to the polar bear. The darker-haired one, meanwhile, started pounding America on the back.

"Good to see ya, mate!"

"Hey, Australia! Did you see our rooms? AND THEY'RE DECORATED WITH OUR COLORS, TOO!" And thus, America began flailing about, laughing obnoxiously about the color scheme while Australia grinned in agreement.

"Dude, Canada, bro, you seriously need to get some blue on your flag."

"Eh?" The startled Canadian almost dropped Kuma. Luckily, New Zealand was there to catch him before he fell. His sheep, however, wasn't happy about sharing his owners arms with the polar bear, and the two started squabbling.

Canada somehow ignored all this. "What about blue on my flag? You aren't going all 'MANIFEST DESTINY!' on me again, are you?"

Crap. I hurriedly made calming motions with my hands. "Canada, lad, please calm down-"

America just kept right on laughing, which wasn't helping the situation at all. _His inability to read the atmosphere is going to be the death of me!_

"Alfred..." Canada growled, heedless of my attempts to stop him. "I dare you to try to invade me again!" A hockey stick had appeared in the normally peaceful nation's hand.

_Well, at least it isn't a military issue sniper gun_, some part of my subconscious remarked.

_Shut up! _I told it. "Australia, New Zealand, a little help here!"

"Huh? Aw, why?" Australia whined. "It was just getting good!"

"They're your BROTHERS!"

New Zealand shrugged. "They don't look in too much danger yet, and I'm sure it'll calm down by itself! See, they've already made up!"

I turned just in time to see Canada slam America into the wall, mashing their lips together.

"Good job, Canada!" Australia cheered.

A playful glint appeared in America's eyes. He stilled for a second, confusing his twin, the shoved him to the ground. The two landed in a heap, America on top.

Canada broke the kiss to glare. "Stop defying geography, America!"

"Pssh! No one cares about geography!"

Canada rolled his eyes, but allowed America to continue the kiss..

Now, I would be lying if this sexy-but-still-slightly-innocent twincest thing the two had going on wasn't turning me on slightly. It wasn't helped by the fact that New Zealand suddenly jumped on Australia, a predatory grin on his face.

"Ah, Kiwi... Don't you think we shouldn't leave England out of this...?" Australia said as he struggled to hold off New Zealand's attacks.

All four of my former colonies whipped around to stare at me, identical grins on their faces.

_Crap._

"Hmm, yes, I think you're right," New Zealand murmured, sliding off his neighbor.

"He IS the host country after all," Canada mused.

America just grinned wider.

Four pairs of hands were suddenly grabbing at me, and I soon found myself, for lack of a better word, squashed between America and Australia.

"Oooh, I know! Let's braid his hair!" Canada cried innocently. Heh. _Innocent_. Right. His smile told a different story.

"Right! I'll go get some flowers!" New Zealand rushed out of the room.

"I'm sure if I told Belarus where Russia was hiding, she would give me one of her spare dresses," Australia mused.

"Dude. Why do you know where Russia is hiding," America deadpanned.

"Shut up and just hold England down. I'll be back as soon as I finish my mission!"

* * *

"You idiots! Get me out of this!"

They had dressed me up in a fancy, lacy, very girly dress (who knew Belarus wore such things...?) and practically _festooned _my hair with flowers. They'd also attached hair extensions, and placed a tiara on my head.

"England, you look absolutely adorable!" Australia gushed. Yes, he gushed. I didn't know that was possible either.

Then again, he DID get distracted by a passing bunny and stopped in the middle of his sentence once, so...

"S-Shut up!"

"But Iggy! We love you more like this!" America exclaimed, hugging me.

"No, that's not true, America. We'd love him the same, either way," Canada admonished.

"But we ARE attracted to him more like this," New Zealand pointed out.

I felt my face heat up. "S-Shut up, you bloody gits! I look like France!"

"Ohonhonhon~!"

Well, speak of the devil.

"Angleterre, you look très magnifique! I could almost eat you up!"

"S-SHUT UP, FROG! G-GO MOLEST SOMEONE ELSE!"

"Oh, but Angleterre, big brother was only trying to express his love for you!"

That was the wrong thing to say.

In a flash, all four of my boys were attacking France with unbridled rage. Now, normally, I wouldn't feel any sympathy for the French nation, but when those four were attacking together...

Well, let's just say they can get VERY possessive.

Soon, France was beaten black and blue, and thrown out the door.

"Now, where were we?" America smirked back at me.

Australia threw his hands up in the air. "You know what? I'm getting tired of this. Let's just skip to the good stuff!"

And I shall refrain from informing you of what happened next. Suffice to say that it involved ripped cloth, messy hair, and flowers strewn all over the place. Not to mention some very strained muscles.

Hungary was happy, at least.

Although, I do worry for Japan's health. Losing _that_ much blood in a nosebleed cannot be natural...

* * *

Author's Note: Welp. Crack pairing one done with. And yeah, it sucks. Pooey.

So... Usually I don't take requests, but for this one, I might. Depends on a) if I have time, b) if I like the request (basically, if I think I'd be able to do it justice. So nothing explicit, please. And try to keep it fluffy or humorous :D), and c) if I already have some more chapters planned or not. So yeah. You're welcome to make a request, though. Just drop it in a review or send me a PM or something, and I'll see what I can do.

Just don't expect me to update normally or anything. I'm bad at this romance thing.

Hope you liked it!


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